Reporter: Desmond Shite
Whilst fresh-faced Irish pop sensations Boyzone and Westlife are flying the flag for Ireland at home and abroad, a vile cancer is spreading amongst the youth of this land, turning intelligent, articulate youths into harbingers of evil intent. Our reporter Desmond Shite went undercover to investigate this sickening phenomenon.
Amidst the rolling hills and quaint villages of Ireland, all seems well on the surface. But sinister developments are afoot...
Sodomy and Lust
 The Metal explosion has attracted many church crusaders to this island. One such evangelist is Pastor Bob Felch, from St Paul, Minnesotta. Pastor Felch is convalescing in Ireland from a nervous breakdown, the result of a protracted court hearing into alleged misdemeanours in his dealings with minors in his flock. He believes that it is his spiritual mission to cast out the Metal snakes from the land.
Tirelessly crusading against 'the vice of Heavy Metal', Pastor Felch has given evidence to the right-wing PMRC in the past, and has co-authored two books on the subject ('Screaming at Satan with my Finger in Her Pie' and 'Parental Neglect does not excuse Metal'). As a respected authority on the topic, he has seen first-hand what Metal has done to the youth of America... and he believes that the dangers are the same here.
Pastor Bob Felch stated "One only has to look at the names of the Irish bands to understand the threat these deviants pose to our children... particularly with regard to the abomination of sodomy. Dreamsfear is an anagram of 'Mad fer arse', whilst decoding the name of the ungodly Waylander yields 'Weyrd Anal'. Mael Mordha advocate 'Mad hole ram'... and Karnayna translates as An Yar'n Ak, ancient Summerian for an act so base and unspeakable that I dare not speak its name".
He continued, warning that "All that stuff is evil; Ozzy, Judas Priest... There's backward messages in that stuff that leads you to the Beast".
 Worryingly, the problem is not confined to one side of the border. Hillary Nice, chair of Northern Ireland Concerned Parents' Media Watch, 'I was prying through my son's private belongings, looking for drugs, when I chanced upon a copy of an album by a pop combo called Abaddon Incarnate. I just had to listen to it. It was akin to being dragged into the very bowels of hell itself. I felt my gorge rise, and had to rush to the bathroom to vomit with disgust"
Enter into the Realm of Satan
Elizabeth Cream knows all too well the perils of Metal. Her son, Trevor, was a star pupil with a bright future ahead of him. "Trevor was always a bit shy, what you might call a 'loner' at school. Then he fell in with a bad crowd. One day, he came home from school with an album by a band called Twisted Sister, and sat for hours listening to the same songs over and over again. We were growing frantic with worry. One day, we sat him down and asked him 'What do you want to do with your life?'. He suddenly started spinning around like someone possessed and screamed 'I WANNA ROCK!'."
Trevor, or Hellfuk Occulta as he prefers to be addressed, agreed to speak to us to explain his disregard for his parents' wishes and his deliberate alienation from tasteful society.
Grand Master of Hades and Mayhem
We were to meet Mr Occulta at a gathering of his choice. This turned out to be a 'Metal Disco', held upstairs in an obscure pub in South Belfast. Young adults dressed solely in black writhed and convulsed to the diabolic poundings of dischordant cacophonies. At this point, our reporter made his excuses and left.
(continued on page 666) |
